When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
