Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
