I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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