i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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