the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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