census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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