He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
