Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
