If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
