im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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