The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
