Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
