I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
