you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
