She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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