Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
