im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
