I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
