I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
