It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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