You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
