home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
