dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
