Screwed.edu
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
