can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
