I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Naked Twister starts at high noon
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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