remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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