so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
