i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
