The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
