My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
