i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
