Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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