I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
