The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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