if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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