Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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