I bet he comes in French.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
