I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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