Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
