Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
