Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
