I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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