"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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