I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize
