get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
