Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Green mimosas i think yes
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
