I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
