I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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