Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
